Living in a digital age has made trust within relationships harder. For a start we know too much about each other far too quickly. Before any first date I can do social media deep-dives on whoever I’m meeting. I’ve scrolled back far enough on prehistoric, half-abandoned Facebook profiles to find stuff that puts me off someone before I’ve even met them. And it’s always something stupid they said when they were fourteen, something they no longer even think, something that would horrify them today, something they’ve forgotten to delete, but that I managed to find.

Now I have this man’s address, name and picture in my phone, and he might be a murderer, or just some guy

Then I’ll go on Instagram and scroll through photos again (always tagged, never grid, that’s where you find the good stuff) and decide that I fancy them after all, so it’s fine. It doesn’t even have to be a date or a hook-up; the fact we’re all online, that we all have access to each other all the time, means I can find out someone’s political affiliation and the name of their cat before I’ve even said hello. And when I can’t, when they’re offline, when they’re totally untraceable and unGooglable, that’s a red flag too. Why can’t I see you? What are you hiding?
Constant access to everyone we’ve ever met or might meet via the magic of dating apps means that if you do find it hard to trust someone, it’s easier than ever before to discard them and find someone new, delivered straight to you by the algorithm. Better yet, why not have a roster of different ones, so then you don’t get hurt by putting your faith in just one person. If they don’t text, it could just be that they’re busy, or at work, or their phone died – not that they’re having more fun than you, somewhere else, without you. But maybe they’re lying. What are they hiding? Red flag. Delete. Swipe again.

Find another.

Because we know so much about each other so fast, our insatiable appetite to know everything, immediately, all the time, continues into our relationships. We always have access to each other and we’re always on our phones, so we’re obsessed. What do you have me saved under in your phone – is it my name or is it something funny? Do you have my number saved at all? Let me see. Can I see your camera roll? Can I see your DMs? Why not? What are you hiding?

If it sounds like modern relationships are more adversarial and less trusting than ever before, you’re not wrong. There are countless TikTok videos making fun of “being delusional” about whether your partner is lying to you, rather than just trusting that they’re telling the truth, or – horror of horrors – just talking to them about your concerns instead.

Previous generations didn’t have the paranoia induced by social media, and I think they must have been happier as a result, or at least more trusting. When my grandad went to work or to the pub, my grandmother was probably like: he’s at work or at the pub. But now we have the technology to check this, we might as well use it! My American friends literally track each other’s movements using Find My iPhone, something they claim to enjoy as a way of checking in on each other and keeping each other safe. Or they use Snapchat’s maps function to see who’s around for a pint. Or if my best mate is going to sleep with someone new, she texts me his full address and phone number, just in case, just to be safe. But now I have this man’s full address and name and picture in my phone. And he might be a murderer, but he might be just some guy. And if someone suddenly turns their location off, there’s immediate suspicion as to why. You said you were at the pub, but are you at the pub? Are you hiding something from me? Should I ask my friend to check the pub’s Instagram stories – so I don’t come up in the views, just in case – to check you are there? If you are, does it look more fun than where I am? And if so, why didn’t you invite me too? My grandmother never had to deal with this. Lucky bitch.

Róisín Lanigan is a writer and editor based in Belfast and London